^ Oh How I Miss Moab.
Oh how the externals wedge themselves into your heart. Attachments to places, things, and the worst, people. It can make it really hard to leave, give away, or abandon. This time around I thought of myself not unlike a solar panel, I went, I absorbed, I recharged with beauty.
I was assessing myself, through a question posed by the Power Path: what is the root of the fear that has imprisoned me? The pen wrote unworthiness. Unworthiness has shown up aggressively through most of my life, the worst of it being through rejection. Sure I've had art shit on, writing rejected, but the worst is human rejection. I don't do well with any of them. Sometimes why helps in these situations, and it is always all too clear in my mind that rejection proves unworthiness. Ego is so pleased to have a story, a brick to pile on the insurmountable weight already there. There is also the fear of rejection that colors every thought, action, every text. So when it comes you think I'd be ready. All that practice. But, nope, it's 1000 times worse because it's confirmed. You're unworthy. It's hard to reprogram such negativity, such beliefs. Where I may lack in some areas of confidence, bringing myself to beautiful places comes easily.
This began as an excruciatingly slow extraction from the city, first to Tarrytown then to one night in the Catskills. Then Hawaii, then to the mountains. Every single night in Santa Fe there is a life assuring sunset. Every single day I woke up to the Priest and the Nuns right outside my door in Castle Valley. Nature is for everyone. To do anything other than to protect it is insanity.
Placing myself in ridiculous vast landscapes for no identifiable reason other than to stare, has brought profound insight and deep healing to the bloodbath of unworthiness. It's hard, though not impossible, to be depressed watching Stellar Jays zip past you, sitting on the edge of a canyon rim overlooking a green valley, or riding a bike over rock like no other, staring at layers of red rock and snow covered mountain. Everyone's worthy of giving themselves the chance to do that. And it really does work. Sure there will always be pain, but you don't have to bleed out.
A bunch of hearts in Moab.
A very special one ^ ask me if you want to know where it is.